Sunday, September 22, 2013

Two Nine........Almost 30

In a few hours I turn twenty nine. Unlike most of my peers I have been looking forward to turning thirty so this brings me much closer to that. Life has taught me that no destination  or any perceived end product or achievement will bring any joy/happiness that is lacking in my life and as such I do not think that turning thirty will miraculously alter my life to make all things better. That said and done, my twenties were filled with such tumultuous times that I feel eased up as I near thirty. More than that, the confidence that one gains as one goes through different experiences , some repeated, and comes out standing, offers a sense of confidence. I equate thirty in my mind with confidence hence by unconventional glee to turn an age I should be dreading.

That said and done I would like to share unload some thoughts as I reach this 'homerun' age of 29.

1. Life will most likely not go as you planned it to go, perceive it to go, want it to go or believe it to be. That is ok. It makes it interesting. This coming from a control freak. I like controlling everything in my life to ensure the results are as I want them. Life has taught me that it is  all wasted effort. Life will be as it will be. I cause myself too much anguish trying to control things that I cannot...chief among them are people. As I turn 29, I believe I'm less inclined to control people and to let them just be. If i am unable to deal with them as they are, I walk away. It is the most graceful thing that I cannot do. This lesson has helped me in my career, my relationships and general outlook in life.

2. Living my truth and being true to myself. The two are interlinked. From a  very young age, I started a journey of self discovery and it is one that will end when I depart this earth. I am obsessed with knowing  who I am, why i do the things I do and how the world fits into all that. I often joke with a close friend that unlike several of my close friends(including her!) I am generally not nosy. I rarely ask people questions about themselves but human behavior interests me much. one of the reasons I love blogs. It has taken time and effort but i do know who I am and what I am about. The most inspiring and admirable things I have done or accomplished are when I have been true to who I am without thought or consideration to other people's opinions. The moments when I have betrayed myself are when I have deviated to conform to something that is not me or my values. Surprisingly I have also come to learn that the most impact I have made in other people's lives has not necessarily been through my words(and we know I can talk A LOT!) but rather when I have pursued things I firmly believe in, or fought for causes that are dear to me or just been me.

3.There are two great losses or heartaches that I have experienced that in a sense changed me. One involved a man and the other a dream. I learnt so many things through those awful instances though I would quake if I had to go through them again. One is that falling in love, trusting and letting in someone else into your heart is a process with crossroads which have options to either get in deeper or start the process of getting out. Two was that the more walls you build up, the more of a target you make of yourself unknowingly but dangerously so. Three was that no experience is in vain and has an opportunity to grow you. Fourth was that no matter what heinous act another person does , forgiving yourself will still be the tougher act compared to forgiving them . Fifth in both instances letting go is a skill and discipline that is essential in life. letting go of people, dreams, perceptions of people, perception of what life should be.

4. Change the plan as many times you need to. the goal can be a constant but be open to changing the plan as many times and in many ways that you can. Business has taught me this more than anything. Tied to this is the habit of constant review of who you are, where you are going and how you are going to get there. You are the author of the plan so it is within your province to change the plan.

5. I am not invincible. It feels like the last three years more people within my circle have died or had life threatening illness or some shocking change in their lives. Life is not fully in our control as we thought in our much younger years. It makes me appreciate my loved ones more especially my family whom I easily take for granted. More than that it makes me continually work on my relationship with my creator. It also makes me have sleepless nights wondering if I were to die today, what would I have accomplished? Would I have lived the best version of me and utilized all the resources in me and available to me to make an impact in this world. incidentally I still don't feel broody or any need to procreate to have a child as a legacy

6. Connections are so important and personally are almost like a need. It is beyond sad to have all you dream of yet lack someone to share that joy or the pain of achieving that goal. That said and done I have also learnt that the wrong connections will rob you of precious time, energy and will to achieve all you were meant to achieve. You are in the relationship you are in by choice regardless of its condition. The friends I have combined with my family and values are the building blocks that make the structure that is me. I have also learnt that it is far much harder to make intimate friends as you get older. In my opinion that is not a bad thing, friendships grow and are tested through time and experiences.

7. My instincts are for me and not against me. Whether it seems logical or not go with your gut. I could give a list of my own some experiences but it would mean outing some people.

8. Men are people. Weird as they are.....can you believe it?  They are people. They are different and despite the tempting thought that perhaps they are inferior, it just means they are different. Their difference is a good thing(when they are not being irritating) .

9. It is not always black and white.

10. Contentment is a precious state.

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