Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The fallacy of Facebook event RSVP

RUDENESS is the worst kind of arrogance.I am really trying to be calm as I write this. Fashion is something I am really passionate about . The Swap idea has been one project I have held dear to my heart and was positive it would be a raging success in this country. Most of my friends agree that I'm pretty good in organizing events and countless times have encouraged me to put that skill to good use. The swap was one project that would combine my fashion and event planning skills.

I am pretty meticulous when I plan events especially those I'm passionate about. I usually send invites with details about a month or at least two weeks to whichever event I'm hosting. I have planned for the swap event twice and each time I've been disappointed, made losses in terms of cash and time spent. The title of the post is at the root of it all. Our generation is one that does not value its word or perhaps forget that honour applies in all settings including social media. Courtesy is applicable in all areas of one's life. It has become common to RSVP to events and not bother showing up. One wonders whether a gun is held to these people's heads to get them to rsvp that they are attending. It is with utter lack of shame, regard or simple empathy for the person organizing the event that these people go about this behaviour.

I am a pretty decisive person hence when I rsvp for events I will attend unless circumstances beyond my control come up. I calendar all meetings and commitments be they business related or personal. The really shocking bit was that some were still calling saying they were on the way even 3 hours after the event was to start. None of the guests who rsvp as attending sent any message or called to say they were not coming. I presume they deduced that as the host I was to read their minds. I am very bitter and none of the excuses that some tried to tell me as their excuse really made any sense. If you want to do something, you do it and if you don't, you make excuses. I guess my naivety has run its course. These same uncouth and discourteous people are among the first ones to ask me how the swap went. I hope this blog gives you all a pretty good idea of what I really think of your behaviour.

The silver lining was that the few who showed up had such a lovely time and went home with good finds. That for me was the lesson. I went into fashion because i love it and believe in it. It was never supposed to be this tedious chase. I am not scared of hard work but I refuse to let a group of dishonorable people kill my passion and hinder my dreams. So thanks to those few who attended and my precious friends who believe in me soo much that they cannot let me give up on my passion, I will continue with the swap but its only for a select few. It will be an experience, a time shared enjoying each other's company, trying on different clothes, making friends and just letting the beauty of fashion, comradeship and laughter be the focal point. No more FACEBOOK EVENT INVITES. The tool is good but the people are treacherousness  I know that sounds a bit melodramatic but the time, effort and emotions that go into organizing any event is such that someone making a mockery of it is spit in the face to say the least.  I'm all for inclusivity but that formula has not worked so now its all about exclusivity.

Below are sentiments that echo what I feel about this fallacy from different people and articles:

justanotherpenguin Nov 29, 2010 07:59 PM
a few months have gone by since i originally posted this. nothing has changed: "i think that people do not rsvp for several reasons: (1) they forget; (2) they are waiting for a better offer; (3) they are lazy, or (4) they were poorly raised."
if anything, maybe my order of reasons is backwards.

Etiquette hell:
I am of the strong belief that if I have to call you to plead for an answer to my invitation, I made a mistake in inviting you.  I won’t beg people to please accept or decline my invitations.  When I host an event, I’ve invested not only money but time spent planning, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, table prep, food prep and to have someone thoughtlessly dismiss their obligation as a guest to RSVP in a timely manner hints to me that maybe they are not as invested into a relationship with me as I thought they were.   Obviously there are extenuating circumstances that we all encounter that can potentially distract us from RSVPing so my disdain is reserved for those who have a history of  a “can’t be bothered” attitude.
My husband and I consider the failure to RSVP at all  as well as “maybes” to be a declination.  If it’s within a week of the event and someone is still hemming and hawing about whether they are attending, my husband takes matters into his own hands and makes the decision for them.  Quite cheerfully, he says, “We’ll mark you as ‘Unable to attend’ and we look forward to another time when your schedule is more flexible to be able to join us.”     A friend of mine artfully does the same thing…”maybes” are a “no” to her and she simply doesn’t give them the opportunity to waffle on her.

Posted by lindac (My Page) on Tue, Oct 31, 06 at 19:15
Absolutely!!...Depending on your "crowd' socially aware they are...up to almost half won't reply.
I have given a shower for a couple asking for donations toward a group gift and an RSVP....and almost 1/2 had not responded a few days before...I called. And even then some who said they would not show, did and others didn't....and several showed with cash and wanted to be in on the gift....and the card was written and sealed...
I just handed the bridal couple an envelope with 3 $5 bills in it!
I know one hostess who didn't getr a reply from someone for a luncheon....and that woman showed and said...I hope it's OK...that I'm not too late....and the hostess said..." are late...I have my meal cooking and my table set....if only you had let me know, I could have put on another chicken breast and set another place." I say great, because that woman has done that to me!!
Yes....people don't seem to know what's polite any more!
Linda C

Xtina August 18, 2010 at 9:27 am
Oh–on the issue of “maybe”–that’s a cr*p kind of response to an invitation, and insulting to the host as well. “Maybe” is good enough a response if it is accompanyed by, “I don’t know my work schedule yet for that day but will let you know as soon as I find out” or something similar to that situation, but otherwise, all “maybe” says to the host is that the invitee doesn’t like them enough to invest a small chunk of time for them, and are actually hoping that something better will present itself before the time of the event. Geez, people–commit or commit NOT to commit. Don’t waffle. If you don’t want to go, then say you can’t go–don’t be insulting.

I have been inviting people for 43 years. The #1 rule I have...if they don't RSVP I don't invite them ever again.....I don't call or if they show up unannounced...I have a big mouth, but polite, and will exercise my tongue. It works every time. I'm a no nonsense person and people know this. Too bad more people don't speak up.

This has become one of my biggest pet peeves. When my husband and I got married, we had to track down quite a few people to get their RSVP's. Then! We had a ton of people who responded that they were coming and just didn't show up. We had about two whole tables at our reception that were left unused. Do people not understand that we paid for their table, chair, dinnerware, napkin, food, etc.? Then our baby shower was this past September. It was RIDICULOUS how many people responded and didn't show, or that ignored the whole thing completely even when I tried to track them down.
I don't think we'll be having another party in the near future. People are so inconsiderate nowadays.
I just wanted to add, my husband's cousin was invited to our wedding. She and her fiancé refused to RSVP no matter how many times we tried to get in touch or in what way (phone, Facebook, email, family) and they wound up just not coming at all. We haven't spoken to them since, but they had the audacity to send us a invite to their wedding... What is WITH people?

Courtney W
Seven months ago

What blows me away is that people today may lament the lack of parties and not realize that hosts/hostesses are tired of waiting for you to decide if it is worth the trip nor do they want to waste their time or effort. Courtesy has totally gone by the wayside. Then again, social media, which we all use, has brought out the worst in people in many ways. We all know what things your kids did and why you are angry at your spouse or what football team you hate or why so and so celebrity sucks, but God forbid you answer a luncheon or dinner party reply. Or even filter yourself a little. Ahhh, I know I sound like a crabby old coot, but manners should still matter.

Posted by sudiepav (My Page) on Wed, Nov 1, 06 at 12:15
I like your idea, lowspark. When people don't RSVP for a party or don't show up after indicating they're coming, I cross them off my guest list without an explanation. The only exceptions I've made are when I've gotten a call later that something really unavaoidable had occurred. Maybe I should include a note like yours. One "friend" said, "I never get invited to your house anymore" and I told her that's because I was never sure if she was coming or not. I also have been excluding people who we've entertained many times without a reciprocal invitation of any sort. Entertaining is fun but a lot of work, and I find I'm resentful of those who take, take, take.

Frances 13
People are self centered lazy and think they are so special like celebrities that we should just jump for joy when they show up. And they rarely host anything so they are clueless as to what it costs. We just had a beautiful New Year's Eve wedding for our daughter and I could not believe the gall of people to RSVP and then not show up. Then there were those that ignored our RSVP and showed up and, worse, relatives up to two hours before the wedding asking if it was all right to still come (they never RSVP) and when told yes still didn't come! One cousin who was bringing a date gave us a name for him and shows up without date, dressed in jeans! People are unreal!
—Guest Frances

RetiredChef Dec 4, 2009 07:36 AM
The reason most people do not is because there is no repercussions from the hosts if they show up or don’t.

When we have an RSVP’d event at our house we have refused entrance to those who did not reply and consequently they get taken off our invite list. On the other side we have written letters to those that did reply and did not show up telling them that they will no longer be invited due to their rude behavior. Its tough love and we have lots some acquaintances but not surprisingly these are the ones that it was no big loss to lose.

One of the benefits of this approach is that it has carried over to many of our friends and guests who have also adopted this strategy. If everyone did this then guess what, everyone would RSVP, but no-one wants to be a mean person. In our case we have not had a no-show in over 10 years and have had only one couple show up just recently. They were friends of friends and didn’t think it was necessary to RSVP, I asked them at the door if their friends told them that a RSVP was mandatory and if they read it on the invitation that they received in the mail and the second one via email. They said they did but never RSVP, I told that that was too bad because they are going to miss a fun event and a grand dinner, bid them a good-night and closed the door. The look on their face was priceless.

PS If you have a legitimate excuse, car troubles, medical, lost mail we understand and don’t penalize you for this.